Monster Child
by Ice Cream Kid
Summary: Father is a semi-sane supercriminal. The Ice Cream Men have no regrets working for him until he decides to get a patent for his Broccoli Virus. Set before Operation I.T. Not really meant to be AU, since Father does all sorts of criminal stuff in the show.


Father was an immortal shadow fire demon dragon. Or something. In any case he had zero compunctions, reservations, or inhibitions. Except when it came to drink. His poison of choice was ice cream. He also was alone, alone, forever alone.

But he was alone because he had no inclination towards having a partner, not because he was hopelessly in love with someone in his teenage years or something like that. In his teenage years? Hm..Father thought back to when he was a teenager and found he couldn't remember a thing. Maybe he zapped himself with an age-changing cigar and turned directly from a kid into an adult. Who knows?

Father scooped up his 700th spoonful of ice cream today. Not this month, not this week, but _today_.

"Mmm, isn't this just scrumm-deeee- _licious!_ Chocolate caramel triple fudge _marshmallow_!"

"I prefer Strawberry banana."

"Ah fine, whatever! You're boring!" shouted Father as he cleaned out another tub of ice cream.

Father owned 20% of the world's ice cream. But Father wasn't strictly a corporate tycoon, like Mr. Mogul, or a careful criminal who masked his illegal activity with a legitimate business like Mr. Boss that employed legitimate people. After all, Mr. Boss couldn't _afford_ to get caught, he couldn't _afford_ to be publicly _linked_ to all the supervillain _craziness_ held in the deepest most super-secret reaches of secretdom. Poor Fanny and Shaunie and Paddy would be whisked away to the loving hands of _the state_! But Father, being single, and having no kids aside from his brainwashed villains, which he gorged with obscene amounts of cake on their five birthdays, openly broke the law into eleventy-billion teeny shards and molded them into tiny cute glass horse sculptures with little pink-and-yellow saddles. Father had been in and out of the can for attempted murder, attempted mass murder, attempted cannibalism-his criminal record was as long as his internal body temperature was hot. He also never stayed in the gray bar hotel for very _long_ , because he melted the bars, the wall, and threatened to melt the _guards_ , too.

But, he wasn't completely carefree: the 20% of ice cream he owned he owned and sold legally, it was only his loss prevention practices that were illegal regarding the ice cream business. But then rather than the ice cream company being a front company for his illegal business, he operated two companies separately: Tasty Taste Ice Cream sold ice cream, and Evil Adult Industries made attack vehicles and whatever else he needed for his quest for world domination. But Tasty Taste Ice Cream made only as much as a normal business could-the real money was in the _crime_ , and as the slogan for Preferred Villains Club said, crime really _did_ pay.

"Are you sure this is a good plan, Father?" asked his four most trusted Ice Cream Men. But not at the same time, though, since they weren't Delightful. One was even scratching his itchy butt through his white shorts and then he tested the new flavor fresh off the conveyor belt of the Tasty Taste Ice Cream Factory. As an Ice Cream Man, one of his duties was to test the ice cream.

"Of _course_ I'm sure this is a _good plan!_ This is my _best plan_ yet-and _ew_ , what did I _tell_ you about using _gloves_ , _Ice Cream Man_ 4?!"

"Sorry, Father!" the large Ice Cream Man ran to the bathroom.

"What we were saying Father," said the most articulate Ice Cream Man. "-is that we were wondering if it's a good idea to get a patent for your new Broccoli Virus."

"It's too late to _wonder_ about it: I've already applied!" Father rollickingly answered Ice Cream Man 1.

"But you're going to kill kids!"

"That's the _idea!"_

"And for the first time, Evil Adult Industries will be on the uh- cops' radar- linked to uh-the other stuff. The attempted murdery stuff. We were always uh..a bit more careful before-you know, with the ice cream station being in space and all..and..you weren't _really_ going to destroy all the Ice Cream in Texas, were you?" Ice Cream Man 1 asked nervously. "That's a lot of property damage..and that would've implicated Tasty Taste Ice Cream..!"

Father answered by punctuating every emphasized word with a different gesture-"Your point _being?"_ held his fists at shoulder-level-" I put the _ice cream_ station in _space"_ jabbed thumb backwards-"because it's an _ice cream cake!"_ waved a hand at the empty ice cream tubs _-"_ And _yes,_ I was going to destroy-" -held one hand on the table, while the other a fist quavering with rage in front of his face- "all the ice cream in the _universe_ ," -extended his arms outwards sharply- "which last time I checked _INCLUDES_ Texas. If the plan HAD worked you could just claim you didn't know what the ice cream-destroying ray DID! Anyway, if johnny LAW nabs me for _this_ one, _I'l_ l be criminally liable for that attempted destruction of all the ice cream in the universe, so how does _that_ affect _you?"_

"But-you don't understand the chain of liability, Father! The ice cream ship we were on belongs to Tasty Taste Ice Cream!" fretted Ice Cream Man 1.

"But the ray was made by Evil Adult Industries," Father replied calmly.

"And how can we possibly convince the judge that we had _no knowledge_ of what the ray's purpose was, while our purpose was to uh, cut the cake! That means we had knowledge of the cake."

"A perfectly innocent purpose."

"And the cake's contents!"

"Not necessarily..."

"And what about the Elite Ice Cream Men?"

"They work _solely_ for Evil Adult _Industries_."

"But Ice Cream Men? _Ice cream?_ How would the prosecutor not make the connection between Elite _Ice Cream_ Men and Tasty Taste Ice Cream Company?.! Before you took over the company, the Elite Ice Cream Men were just Ice Cream Men, working for Tasty Taste Ice Cream Factory! When you took over you shunted half of them into Evil Adult Industries!"

"It _was_ the same company. Now they're _two different companies_! How many times have I included _you four_ in a plan for adults to rule the world? This is the _first_ time. 'Cause I think it's high time that Evil Adult Industries and Tasty Taste Ice Cream _merged!"_ Father brought his hands close together sharply. You don't think so?"

"So are we abandoning all attempts at secrecy?" asked Ice Cream Man 3 soberly, the oldest one with the gray hair. "I have a spouse and kids and three mortgages, you know. I haven't been able to tell little Johnny what I do for a living because it involves _kidnapping and trying to kill little kids!_ I mean I hate kids, the same as you, but Evil Adult Industries'll be known publicly _and_ Tasty Taste Ice Cream Company will be dragged down with it! Everyone will know that I work for a criminal organization! _"_

Ice Cream Man 1, now more bold, seconded Ice Cream Man 3.

"I was thinking of an exit strategy, something I want to do after being an Ice Cream Man. I don't want my exit strategy to be life in prison! Two years for check fraud was bad enough! And you can break out of prison whenever you like because of your fire powers, but where does that leave the rest of us? If we get caught we're done! Our lives are ruined!"

"You can back out _any time you want_ , you know," Father said abruptly as he whirled his red chair, which he owned about 50 identical versions of, around away from the Ice Cream Men. "But just so you know I _might not seek your assistance_ for the next venture."

"Fine with us. Right guys?" asked Ice Cream Man 3 forcefully.

Ice Cream Man 2's brow furrowed, thinking over the risks.

"I mean, I been to the slammer for fightin' n' stuff.."

"This won't be for fighting," said Ice Cream Man 3. "It'll be for Evil Adult Industries being made public-by being linked to the murder of the Kids Next Door, and all because of a government patent. Up until now we've done everything strictly off the books."

"Yeah, but we tried to off th' Kids Next Door before..We kidnapped 'em before too. And that was as Tasty Ice, not Evil Adult," said Ice Cream Man Number 2.

"On a deserted highway, yeah! In secret! Not announcing to the world, 'hey, this is my _company's_ crime for which my employees'll be held VERY liable'!"Ice Cream Man 3 got more and more stressed out. He had taken this job under the pretense that it was aboveboard, and it had seemed so not-risky-ice cream? It was just kid's stuff. And guard it from kids trying to steal it? Sure thing, not a problem. Little did he know back then...

"You want some _insurance_ , _Ice Cream Man 3_?" Father turned his red chair again to face the Ice Cream Men, staring at them neutrally with his large narrowed yellow eyes, folding his shadowed hands on his desk. "The adults that _aren't villains'll_ just think the brats got _hit with some incurable_ disease."

"And how can you be 100% sure of that, Father?" answered back Ice Cream Man 3.

"Be _cause_ , Ice Cream Man 3, broccoli's only harmful to _children_. How do you _think_ that _damp rolled-up wad_ of _failure_ Toilenator can eat _asparagus_ and be _completely_ fine? Because he's an _adult_. You could scarf down the stuff _fine_ I'd bet too. Enough _assurance_ for you?"

"Yes, Father," Ice Cream Man 3 finally looked relieved.

 **"THEN GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"** Father ignited himself with flames that jumped ten feet high, crackling savagely. The red chair caught fire too. Father was so angry he wasn't using his psychic energy to block the burning effects of his fire.

"But Father, I thought-" the gray-haired man said. surprised. Father stood up abruptly, pointing his wicked index finger at all four of the terrified Ice Cream Men.

 **"YOU HAD your chance! Do you think I was going to take villains on this job that had second thoughts?! You're either in all the way or YOU'RE OUT THE DOOR! IF you can get OUT, that is!"**

Father set the solid oak door flame while still standing at his flaming desk, and the Ice Cream Men clustered around the burning door in fear, trapped and unable to get out. Father was a second away from unceremoniously _firing_ his villains when-

"Do not worry, Father. We will help you infect the Kids Next Door. And not have second thoughts," five pairs of pale blue eyes threw sidelong glances at the Ice Cream Men.

 _Honestly. You've worked for Father for this long and you haven't realized_ _that he's in it for the_ _mayhem?_

 _Delightful Children, why'd you save them from becoming crispy critters? Don't tell me you think they're worth pity..._

The big monster eyed the five little monsters dangerously.

The Delightful Children had assessed the risk, and had unexpectedly taken it, by getting in between Father and his targets. They braced themselves for the flame to grow like a hungry red beast...

"We only wanted to get rid of them," said the Delightful Children-they were extremely scared, but because the Ice Cream Men were even more scared, it made them feel better and they gave their explanation more calmly. "They were _annoying_ us. It would have been very _bothersome_ to sweep their ashy remains into the dustbin."

This time, the Delightful Children's own evil was on their side and Father's fire slowly receded into his burning dark body as the Ice Cream Men took off their shirts, smothered the flames that had gutted the doorframe, and ran out the door in terror.

"Why _thank_ you for being so _considerate,_ my Delightful Children," Father said with a wide grin obscured by his internal shadows. "Now. _This plan_ has two _simple phases_..."


End file.
